My husband, Mike, is my best friend in the whole world. We have been through so much together and have managed to survive by God's grace. When he told me a few years ago that he felt a call to missions, my first thought was "That's great, honey, have fun". He went on his first mission trip to Romania and came back a changed man. I was kinda' thinking that maybe I was missing out on something so I made the decision to go on the next trip to Jerusalem. That entire trip and the circumstances surrounding it are fit for an entire blog in and of itself ~ for another day... When I returned from Jerusalem, I understood what had happened to Mike while he was away. It's a feeling that you just can't describe. Being in a totally foreign land serving God ~ unable to fully communicate, being unsure of the culture and what's acceptable and what's not, fully relying on God and the Pastor to guide and lead you. From that moment on, I was hooked, too.
Fast forward to August 2011. Mike's 3rd mission trip ~ this time to Belize. This is the 2nd time he's been to Belize because his mentor currently resides there in the mission field training pastors. Pastor Ray has been influential in Mike's walk and has sought to ensure that Mike will neve be content to just half-heartedly follow after Christ. With limited internet access and outrageous international calling rates on our cell phones, our communication was limited. I thought I'd die without him for 17 days with just the kids and me so I made plans for us while he was away. One of our trips involved going to Purple Door festival in Lebanon, PA with my dear friend Kelly and a few other people. I never expected to experience God in the middle of a bunch of hard-core, screaming, mohawk-wearing, dread-lock sporting kids but God walked onto that field in the middle of worship and dealt with me.When I returned, I sent Kelly the following e-mail:
"Let me first preface this e-mail by saying that being back here makes me want to cry. To come from a place where God just walked onto the field and put his arm around me and a thousand other people and pulled us all close together and come back here where there is division and disunity still kills me. I know that God is not pleased with us here. I want more of what I had there, Kelly. I never realized how deeply wounded I have been from everything going on around here until I felt some sense of rest and serenity and unity. I want to be sold out, all the way, and I want to be all in but I never realized that I couldn't do it here. I know now more than ever that this is not where I belong and it's killing me. My soul longs for so much more of what I had at PD. I'm crying sitting here thinking about having to return to a spiritual death here, drowning in the darkness of this area. I don't want it any more. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for a revival more than ever. I understand what it means to be truly REVIVED, not just to put a bandaid on the gaping gashes in my soul. When Jason looked me in the face and asked me what my story was, I poured out my soul's hidden darkness. I shared with a complete stranger things only Mike knows about. I talked about my insecurities, I talked about my childhood, I talked about my abuse, I talked about my self-loathing. Then he put his hand on my shoulder and prayed for me and poured out love on me through prayer. From the time I was little, I always wanted to be Daddy's princess. I never had that. He spoke a vision for me that cut through to my soul. He spoke to me about a beautiful gown that God was giving me, he said it looked like a wedding dress. But I know, Kelly, that it was my princess dress. It was God telling me that he can give me the things that my Earthly family never could and most likely never will. Then he said that on the gown was written "RIGHTEOUSNESS" and that the arrows of the enemy, all the impure, insecure, unworthy feelings and thoughts, can't penetrate it. Kelly, I'm not healed but I know that God loves me and I'm ready to trust in that. To be all in. To give it all. I don't know what that looks like right now but I went to church and put every penny I had in the offering plate because money is one thing that blocks me from God. Now I'm broke... like seriously broke. This would have been something that made me crazy before. But I'm ok. I don't need the things that I would have bought with that money. Mike even talked to me about the simple life that he sees down there in Belize and how he wants more of that. So do I. I'm so tired of the complications, the distractions, the "things". I wanna live simple and worship God in everything I do. I wanna quit my job and go serve God wherever He calls me. I wanna use my education to help improve people's lives in the name of Jesus. I wanna use my voice to worship Him and lead as many people as possible to Him. I wanna live with people who wanna live like I do. I've never felt like this before. I'm crying just thinking about it. I don't know what it's gonna look like but I know that I NEED to do it or I feel like I'm gonna explode. I'm getting ready to jump out of my skin... I'll never be satisfied with the old life again... Please, please, please lift this up in prayer. I don't wanna jump and mess this up. I really sincerely appreciate that you brought me into this family. I know that this is needed around here so desperately and I'll do anything to help it happen. Not just for selfish reasons (although I definitely want it for myself) but because we NEED it around here!!!!"
When Mike returned from his trip, we talked for hours about how Belize desperately needs recovery ~ the alcoholism rate there is astronomical and there is little to no recovery there. Mike spoke with a passion in his eyes that was unmistakable. I knew just by looking at him that our mission filed had been revealed to us. With Mike having 20 years recovery and me having 15 years, I knew that we had to go and serve God in this capacity. 4 years in Celebrate Recovery were preparing us for this very moment. I've been told that God never wastes a hurt and I know that all those years of hurt as a result of my addiction will be put to good use in Belize, witnessing and helping others to recover from addiction the way that God helped us. We knew that an entire country without recovery is a definite mission field. So, we'll wait to see hod God prepares us. We will be sitting down later to discuss our path to full-time missions. I'm excited to see what God has in store and can't wait to get out there and serve God in the way that He calls us... And the journey begins.........
